A very full week of Dinners and friends and family, I wasn’t sure I’d survive it but looks like I did. Dinner with the girls was Tuesday night and ended being a very emotional night. I raced home to shower and cook the sweet potato casserole I promised to bring. I never have enough time running from work to home to get ready for an event. Just not enough time. I left the house feeling a bit lost, and that feeling engulfed me as I got closer. A friend in need cried out right before I got there, it took everything I had not to turn around and go back. But I stayed put and conversed with someone about the situation. And we agreed to leave there when we were done and follow each other to where we felt we needed to be. I will say that the girls put me at ease as we all sat cuddled on the couch waiting for everyone to come before we started. We laughed so hard it was great to get my mind off things and just plain be!! As the night ended and everyone went around saying what they were thankful for it became a little emotional. It was my turn and all I could think was how thankful I was to have everyone there, how special they all were to me, to be in my life at the moment they were and at the moment I needed them. My heart was exploding with love for everyone. And I truly am thankful for everything I have in my life, and for everything I don’t have in my life right know.
We all left or more like darted out of there to get where we needed to go; I sat outside of someone’s house like a vulture. That’s what it felt like, but I didn’t want to budge, I was a little scared if I did I’d miss something. That’s common with me, I stay up to late, don’t sleep well, over stay at places, arrive to early and worry about what I forgot because I walk in constant anxiety that I’ll miss something. I use to not be that way. But over the last 10 years it’s gotten worse and reversing it is not easy. After leaning details of this tragic situation, sadden by the fact it’s not a shock but only because I’ve learned over the years it happens and no matter how young or old, or how much you think you or someone else is secure where they are, Your not! It can change in a heart beat, I go over my thoughts on how I’d handle the situation, but it never goes that way. We consume ourselves with so much emotion we forget what we should do. We reason with people that don’t deserve it and we ignore those who do. It’s a very toxic action we take as humans. But I waited there in my car, hoping that I could bring some sort of peace to someone’s mind. I finally had to leave and go home to take care of things. But I was on call from that moment and on. She finally told me she was alone and going to bed. So I left it be and went myself.
I woke up the next morning got ready for work and still had my friend’s emotions weighing on me. I did converse with her threw out the day, it amazes me the actions of others . even though I’ve seen and heard and experienced these same actions from all sorts of people, for some reason it still shocks me every time that THEY would do something like that? I guess even though we think we aren’t we are all capable of these same actions. What we allow ourselves to do is something totally different. Most of us control ourselves and we pray that someone else will take care of it, or guide us on how to handle it. People with conscious I personally believe suffer the most……
Dinner with my Dad side of the family is this tonight, so once again I rush home to change and get my food ready to take with me. This family is totally different then the other side, it makes me feel awkward. Like I don’t know how to hold my body or sit in the chair, or what should I say? I bet if I laid down and tried to eat my food they would all think I was nuts!! Some of the family it’s a no-brainer. But others I’d like to play a game of chunk the giant marshmallow and see who gets hit the most just to take away the tension and seriousness away from everyone’s or rather some of their presents. And there’s always someone new there that acts more confident then I do (more cocky and snotty) and I belong there. What am I suppose to do with that, I don’t appreciate it and I don’t really want to take it. The only time I am assertive is when I know that I know something or you’re at my house ! WORD. Other then that I dare not take that ego with me anywhere and spread it around for everyone to smack into, but hey I suppose it makes them feel better and they feel like they survived then fine. I just hope it shakes off in the future! Cause when I was at Walmart the other day, I really did see Giant marshmallows, like the size of half my hand so I'm really thinking about this game of chunking them!
Amongst the conversations at Thanksgiving the main one was acting like a grown up and behaving your self. Course this type of conversation would only come from my mom’s side of the family. We've always been smarties to each other, teasing and making jokes on each other's expense. But always on good terms! It’s been several years since I’ve seen most of my cousins, we often spent summers together when we were younger went to school together. But over the years we’ve grown up and taken on a new life somewhere else and more times then non they don’t come back. The exception for their return this year will be left UN said for now, my heart breaks for their reasoning for coming. I don’t feel it was true and I can bet they won’t return until….
We joked for a week about surviving the day and what we needed in order to do so. Although we laughed and made those jokes, I was really a little scared inside. With our drinks and pecan pie and sweet potatoes in tow we made our way over to my mom’s house a wee bit early, I was thinking we were the first ones there but we weren’t. I felt a little shaky and I wasn’t sure if I should look at my shoes or load my cup up. I’ll have to say I’m not sure if I handled it all well at all. I’ll have to ask my mother soon what she thought. Thankfully, Shortly other people started to arrive and thankfully movement was everywhere so I didn’t have to remain still wondering if I was making a face. ( I tend to do that make faces although I’m not aware of it, goes hand in hand with your mother saying if you keep looking like that your face is going to get stuck ! ) Heaven for bid it gets stuck like any of the faces I make, but they are truly a form of their own. And I’m unaware majority of the time, great conversation pieces sometimes though! Grandma came to say hi to everyone as they arrived but then she retreated into the back sitting room. Those that came for there reasons I’m sure where not understanding. Well honestly I’m not sure what they thought, but I don’t think they got it and I sure as heck don’t think they will. It’s like asking someone who’s never been to war, how they feel about it, or better yet ask them if someone who has and has sever trauma of some sort if it’s valid. They just get grasp it.
They were not in the middle of it nor did they have an open mind in understanding someone else’s pain and why they are stuck.
But besides that the other thing that boggles me once again, is how someone who has never met us, comes and is rude. I did wonder if maybe I was the rude one and perceived it the other way. But I’m pretty sure I wasn’t, I even tried having conversation with them. Making jokes, offered them something of mine. And they looked back down at the shoes and said nothing. I don’t get it, I don’t understand it? I wanted to make them feel welcome and not be awkward, but they stayed in the living room glued to the TV said nothing to no one. I want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and more then likely I’ll give it to you more times then I can count, but when it’s new people and you act in such a way it’s really hard for me to forget it unless you come back next time and totally shock me and blow me away. Because here’s the thing I will expect it from now on from you. I will take it as if that’s all you are (what ever the action you may have given). What do I do with that? On the outside I was my self though, I made jokes, played games, and had a great time!! There was drama I’m and thankful I wasn’t apart of, and I’m thankful it wasn’t drawn out. But sadden at the same time that family of all people can’t be open about it, the moment emotions rise everyone wants to run out and ignore it. It builds and causes more friction for the next time, and before long there is no next time.
